Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
