Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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