We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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