God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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