You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize