God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
