good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
