Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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