I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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