If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
