Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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