I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
