3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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