So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
