I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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