If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
