Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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