His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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