I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have demons in me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
