Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
