My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
