i don't like sucking hair
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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