after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
