You really coming over, don't trick.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
