last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
