She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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