We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
