I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
