how do flat chested girls get laid?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
