Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
