It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'm really busy with my period
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