you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
