no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
