the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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