She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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