you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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