So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
