Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He did a backflip because drugs
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
