Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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