I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
