forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
