u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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