She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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