I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
