she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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