New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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