I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
