I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
