i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
