Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize