my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize