in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
