I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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