Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
